Archive for the ‘Yo! Listen up!’ Category


I think it’s time for some tough love, folks.

Apparently, there are nutjobs out there who are raising monkeys like they were kids. They even call them “monkids.” Aw, how cute.

Lori Johnson was lonely and depressed after her youngest son left home in 1992. She yearned for another child to love. So Johnson bought a baby monkey…

At Gemini Springs in DeBary recently, Johnson pushed “Jessy” around in a toy-filled red stroller, a sight that drew attention. “Hey, it’s a real monkey,” hollered one youngster, who did a double take.

Johnson replied with a grin: “That’s not a monkey; that’s my kid.”

Oh, you’re funny, you are. Equating a living, breathing, thinking HUMAN child with your self-indulgent whim to own and raise a freaking MONKEY. And you actually HAVE a real kid? Good gravy.

I notice this all the time–batty women (not usually men) who paste pictures of their pets up in their cubicles at work, maybe Fluffy or Spot sitting on Santa’s lap at Petco, and refer to these animals as their “kids.”

I’m sorry–I have a kid, and I’ve had pets, and PETS ARE NOT KIDS.

I know it’s easy to love a dog, or a cat, or even a monkey–I’ve been there myself. It’s only natural to develop bonds with these animals and I do believe the animals themselves share some sense of feeling and emotion and attachment. (Well, except cats–the only cats I ever knew were attached to their owners as long as the food, water, and litter kept coming. Those are some ruthless-ass beasts.)


When we get a dog, and it dies, it will be upsetting, and I will be shaken, and “what a shame” and all that. Then I’ll get another dog, and life will go on.

If my daughter were to die, you would be RIPPING OUT PART OF MY SOUL.

So newsflash, people: “Monkids” are NOT KIDS; neither is Fluffy or Spot. Calling them “my kids” is not charming or amusing; it’s creepy and weird.

News You Can Use…No, SERIOUSLY.

Intrepid Orlando Sentinel blogger Jason Garcia has breaking news on a critical issue vital to our very survival: Toilet paper at Orlando International Airport.

Orlando International Airport needs more of one of its most essential items: Toilet paper. The airport is seeking vendors who can sell it “large diameter bath tissue.” OIA wants to buy one-ply tissue, which must be provided on an “as-needed” basis.

First, let us all pray someone fills this void, and fills it NOW. It’s horrifying enough using airport bathrooms; imagine it without toilet paper, and it’s scarier than Cloverfield.

Next, I support OIA’s investment in “large diameter” bath tissue. Large diameter is probably always preferable to small, but ESPECIALLY when we’re talking toilet paper.

Then there’s this “as-needed” bit…YOU ALWAYS NEED TOILET PAPER. Always. Don’t be trying to save a couple bucks by running your supplies down to the bare bones over there. The wiping of the ass is not a privilege; it’s a RIGHT.

Finally, what’s this “one-ply” business? Are you serious?! I’m starting the protest outside terminal A after work:


See you there.

Hello, I’m Johannes…

…and it seems I’m back! I used to guest blog for Orlando metroblogging a couple of times… but in case you can’t remember me…

Usually I live in Vienna, Austria. But as I’ll stay in Apopka (“Indoor Foilage capital of the World”) for a couple of days I like to blog a little bit…

I’m writer, artist and founding member of Vienna/Austria based art-tech-philosophy group monochrom. monochrom is an unpeculiar mixture of proto-aesthetic fringe work, pop attitude, subcultural science and political activism. What does that all mean? Everything and nothing. You can find some additional info about us on Wikipedia.


Ok… all the best!

Yet another blogger introduction. Plus: Bikes in Orlando!

My name is Taryn and I’m new around here. I’m a little different than your run-of-the-mill blogger and I hope to bring this amusing diversity to the table in the form of lots of fun, exciting, informative articles that you will be chided at work for reading when you shouldn’t. My brief Orlando-oriented bio is short, as I am a newcomer to the area. I moved here a little over a year ago from another part of Florida. I had some preconceived assumptions about the place, as many people who live here in Florida do, and was happy to discover that basically none of them are true. I love Orlando! And Iove blogging about Orlando!

Let’s start off with something fun… let’s start off with bikes!

I recently had a wonderful birthday and pulled an amazing bike as well. I spent much of my childhood on a bike, making a 6 mile trip every day to and from school. I loved the freedom and joy my bike gave me, as well as that whole wind-through-your hair stuff. I was never a mountain-biker or a racer. I grew up at the beach and cruising is my thing. Thankfully, this new bike I have is the queen of the cruisers. Much love.

Anyway, I have recently relocated from the Altamonte area to the downtown area and was thrilled to discover that I was not the only bike lover on the block. There are plenty around here, and Orlando seems happy to oblige us.

You Wanna Blogga?

I’m sure some people are a little tired of hearing me give just my side of any story, and quite frankly, I am too! Metroblogging needs to represent multiple view points from different perspectives. We need people who live different lives, see different things, and feel different ways. For that reason we are going to be opening applications for new bloggers. Interested? Send an email with your name, email address, where you live, a little about yourself and any examples of your blogging you might could provide.

Orlando Ranked #11 in US!!!

We jumped from #25 to #11, ahead of classic metropolitans like Atlanta, Baltimore and Philly! Even Miami can’t hold a candle to us! What are we #11 in? Why being among the most crime ridden murderous cess pool in America of course! We should all be just damn proud of ourselves.

A recent report using FBI crime stats ranks Orlando as #11 in a list of the most dangerous cities in the US, up from being #25 in last year’s report. If you recall, everyone was all in a tizzy over being #25 last time, but of course, we didn’t actually do anything about it, and now here we are, about to crack the top 10. HBO’s crime show The Wire is based on Baltimore, which we left in the dust. Should Showtime come out with “O-Ville”?

So what’s the game plan here Buddy Dyer, and our law enforcement community? I think it’s time for you to step it up, because your strategy of pretending that the areas that are causing these crime issues are victims and not enablers, and of blaming people for not being cooperative enough is just not really getting the job done.

Here’s something to get you started, a map of murders from this year, and a timeline of murder rates over the last decade. Why don’t you go to those areas with all the little cute push pins, and kick the ever loving crap repeatedly, day after day, out of the drug dealers and thieves. Us citizens can play a role too. If you live in one of those areas with a high density of pins, then start taking ownership of your problem. Report activity, talk to your children and family members, make being a crook and “gangsta” a shameful way of life that WILL get you put away, and not some cool attitude that all the cool kids on MTV are doing.

As far as the timeline, we need to examine what happened 2 years ago that caused the flat rate of murders to begin increasing 50% year over year steadily. And by examine, I mean we need to grow a pair and stop being so politically correct at the expense of human life. If specific communities are at the center of the problem areas, then we need to all be adults about it and discuss and address it. People playing race/culture cards as a means of deflecting blame for letting their neighborhoods go to crap should not be tolerated. That goes for everyone, the “white” areas are rife with meth labs as well. “Experts blame the illegal gun and drug trades and an increasingly violent street culture” should not be an acceptable conclusion. These so called “experts” haven’t bothered to delve into the issue one bit, because they are too scared to be labeled just for doing their job. Time for new experts. Time for action. What, are we going for top 5 next year?

Cops Say We’re Not Helping

Go watch this video and prepare to be mad. Not mad that it looks like some kind of Jamaican drug/gang war has spread to Orlando, but that the cops seem to think the citizens aren’t paying attention or are mad enough. Really? What rock have you been hiding under? Citizens have been mad, they have been complaining, you saying we are not shows you are doing as good a job paying attention to what the public is saying as you are in handling the crime.

It just goes on and on, passing the buck. Here in Conway people were outraged that a body popped up duct taped to a tire in Lake Conway and our esteemed Linda Stewart decided to take action… and look into closing the boat ramp. Nice work. The next time I see her addressing our local issues, she’s standing at the corner of Curry Ford and Conway in front of cameras talking about your awesome new traffic cameras. I’ve talked before about the slap in the face of cops doing NOTHING about the dangerous midnight club drag racing that goes on in this area EVERY night it seems, and I know for a FACT that it took months of calls before a cop arrived on the scene only to get run down and then they hightailed it. Get your butts out here on the streets at night, forget your cameras and drive time speed traps, they won’t catch the speed racers. And oh yeah, the gun spray that went down at Sawgrass apartments, think maybe you want to address that?

Don’t tell us we haven’t been paying attention, you haven’t been doing your jobs. Pass the buck on to your citizenry because our nice town turned into a violent cess pool on your watch? You ought to turn in your badge and let someone with a clue and a spine get in there.

Cute and Furry Goes a Long Way

In light of the recent slaughter of a stray alligator, this article about a stray bear just proves people are idiots when it comes to how we treat gators. So what is it? Because the bear is a furry mammal we just tranquilize him and release him back on his merry way, but alligators we slaughter as a matter of process when we catch one that dares to wander into “our” habitats? I think FWC needs to explain this. Bears have claws, teeth, have attacked people before, if I came across one I would certainly take the same level of caution I would an alligator. In fact, a bear is quite a bit more agile and dangerous on land than an alligator ever could be. Why can’t we just catch and release these gators back into a preserve when they get a little off track?

Toughen Up Cops

Because somoebody has to say it: Toughen up local police! I know the loss of a friend or family is tough, believe me I do, but we all have to deal with it at various points in our lives. This morning I hear on news channel 13 that police will be attending seminars on how to better deal with the loss of a fellow officer, in the wake of Deputy Matthew Long’s terrible motorcycle accident. After a dizzying year of record body counts among citizens and a January that has cut our life expectances on the average down substantially, this just seems out of place to me. Nobody is holding state sponsored seminars for the countless civilian families left behind to pick up the pieces that criminals have shattered. And cops, you are the defense againist this, you are supposed to be tough hombres who value civie’s lives and are sworn to protect them. When you take the comments and actions of police as a whole over the last year I get the impression that you feel every civilian death is all par for the course in a growing city, but when an officer dies, even when it’s because they stepped in front of a moving vehicle intentionally, it’s all tears and seminars. Yeah, I know that’s likely not the intention, but that is EXACTLY how it appears to us, AND more importantly the criminals this emboldens.

There are people out there, lots of them, in this former peaceful town who have no problem murdering any of us, cops, civilians, dogs, whatever. You have chosen to be that line of defense and we are greatful. So start taking seminars on cracking criminal skulls and pound that concrete, and toughen up man!

Yeah… I am so getting a ticket now.

Time to Move?

Well, it’s nice to find your observations justified and backed by facts and figures, but it’s horrible when that observation is your hometown is turning into a crime ridden cess pool. Orlando is now ranked #25 in America for the most unsafe cities, and #1 in all of Florida, beating out Miami, Tampa and Jacksonville. So, while the cops look around for excuses and the mayor has his head in the clouds with visions of sugar plum fairies waltzing from their condos to a play at the new performing arts center (assuming those fairies don’t get mugged and murdered on Pine Street or something), The City Beautiful is right on track to become the new setting for HBO’s crime drama The Wire, about drug gang murders and crooked politicians. Congrats to every member of our local leadership, from the Mayor’s office, to the city council, and all of Orange County too. You have let my quiet hometown turn into the place in Florida you are most likely to get stabbed by sheer ignorant negligence. So, are you going to do something now that it’s official, or are you just going to keep your collective heads planted firmly up your arses?

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