Archive for the ‘Commentary’ Category

Happy Birthday to Us!

Hard to believe, but it was five years ago this week when the metblogs network was first started, with one lonely Los Angeles blog. Five years later, the network has bloggers in 56 cities worldwide (including some that will appeal to gamers), of which this Orlando site is one.

Over the years, our network has covered everything from pop culture to world events (we even had bloggers reporting from the recent violence in Mumbai and Karachi).

We thank you for reading us and hope you’ll continue to stop by as the network heads into its next five years.

Good Time Charlie Goes to Europe

Partying Like ChristHe’s the man with the tan in Tally! He’s been seen thumbing it up with McCain in DC, hangin’ with Ahnold in Cali, even bar hopping at Big Daddy’s! He’s Good Time Charlie, and soon the Double C express will land on the shores of our friends in the EU. That’s right, Charlie Christ is off to spend a 10 day whirlwind tour of Europe to talk “bidness”.

Meanwhile, back home on the ranch, educators are getting the axe and citizens are getting billed for 911 calls. You screwed us Chuck, you really did.

31 Flavors…Okay, FOUR.

This is the full text of a note I just sent to Baskin-Robbins on their feedback form, regarding the location on Edgewater in College Park.

Dear Baskin and/or Robbin,

It appears as though the location on Edgewater Drive in Orlando has come under new, grinchesque management, as this is now the second time I have arrived at your store to find that the promised “31 flavors” are actually more like 4 or 5. They were out of EVERYTHING. And again, this is not the FIRST TIME this has happened.

I love your ice cream, but you make it hard to love you. Perhaps this makes me love you more, and I have a problem regarding loving things that hurt me. I have not discounted the possibility.

Best, Matt

Did We Declare War on Alligators?

From Central Florida News 13:

LAKELAND – A man’s body was found floating in a Polk County lake Saturday morning. Now, investigators are trying to figure out if the man was killed by an alligator.

Two fishermen spotted the body floating in a canal near Saddle Creek Lake just east of Lakeland, and noticed a 7-foot gator was swimming close to the body.

The fishermen were able to keep the gator away until authorities could pull the body out of the water.

Investigators said the man had no signs of trauma to his body and don’t believe foul play was involved.

A medical examiner will now determine if the man was attacked by the gator or if he died from other causes.

A trapper was called out to destroy the gator.

Can someone explain to me why the heck they just up and killed this alligator? If the gator killed the man, it would have been apparent I would think, what with the missing limbs and large chew marks. So this guy keels over or drowns or whatnot and the gator just swims up probably out of curiosity. So we just execute the animal for being on the scene? Maybe the fisherman killed him? We don’t know for sure they didn’t. We didn’t just shoot them in the head on the spot did we?

Did I miss something, did we declare war on these animals? We seem to respond to every crossing of paths with alligators with just instant destruction of the animal. Where is PETA on this? Do they only care about animals they think are cute and fuzzy?

Boycott "Sawgrass Meets The Sky"

From News Channel 13:

A state song many said is racist could be in for an overhaul.
On Thursday, the state Senate voted unanimously to make Jan Hinton’s “Where The Sawgrass Meets The Sky” the official anthem.
It beat out a handful of other tunes in a public contest.
Lawmakers also decided to remove what some call racially insensitive lyrics from the state song “Suwannee River.”
Some senators had tried to do away with the song entirely. Gov. Crist said he’s disappointed.

So the lawmakers decided to not only remove the lyrics from the song, deciding to just change an artist’s music post mortem, and THEN dump it entirely? Why not at least just leave the song alone if you are ditching it.

Yeah, the song could be considered a little dated as it is written from the perspective of an Black American in the old south, but by a white man. It definitely uses some phrasing not acceptable in common parlance today, though it never seemed to bother Ray Charles, both a black man and a Florida native. All in all, the argument is there to change it for sure, but picking a state song for somewhere as awesome as Florida needs some better thought put into it.

I’m having a little issue with total suckitude of “Where the Sawgrass Meets the Sky”. It sounds like an awful two bit song played while waiting in line for a ride at EPCOT. In all honesty Jan Hinton, your song blows… hard.

I’m a true son of Florida, born on Orange frickin Avenue, and this Florida native whole heartedly rejects and will never recognize that god awful travesty as my State’s song. Charlie Christ, your spray tan ass was born in Pennsylvania, so I gotta say your opinion has little value for those of us that have to live with the song after you move to DC (which you obviously are itching to do). Take another stab at picking a song, because that thing seriously is an embarrassment.

Summit Charter School Creeps (Allegedly) Steal From Kids

Did anybody else gag up their corn flakes this morning looking at the picture on the front page of the Sentinel, the one of that smug bastard who runs Summit Charter School?

You know, the guy who is accused of taking a fat salary and spending school funds willy-nilly while the educational institution almost went bankrupt?

Man, if ever a dude deserved a punch in the face, it’s him. Turquoise turtleneck and all.


I think it’s time for some tough love, folks.

Apparently, there are nutjobs out there who are raising monkeys like they were kids. They even call them “monkids.” Aw, how cute.

Lori Johnson was lonely and depressed after her youngest son left home in 1992. She yearned for another child to love. So Johnson bought a baby monkey…

At Gemini Springs in DeBary recently, Johnson pushed “Jessy” around in a toy-filled red stroller, a sight that drew attention. “Hey, it’s a real monkey,” hollered one youngster, who did a double take.

Johnson replied with a grin: “That’s not a monkey; that’s my kid.”

Oh, you’re funny, you are. Equating a living, breathing, thinking HUMAN child with your self-indulgent whim to own and raise a freaking MONKEY. And you actually HAVE a real kid? Good gravy.

I notice this all the time–batty women (not usually men) who paste pictures of their pets up in their cubicles at work, maybe Fluffy or Spot sitting on Santa’s lap at Petco, and refer to these animals as their “kids.”

I’m sorry–I have a kid, and I’ve had pets, and PETS ARE NOT KIDS.

I know it’s easy to love a dog, or a cat, or even a monkey–I’ve been there myself. It’s only natural to develop bonds with these animals and I do believe the animals themselves share some sense of feeling and emotion and attachment. (Well, except cats–the only cats I ever knew were attached to their owners as long as the food, water, and litter kept coming. Those are some ruthless-ass beasts.)


When we get a dog, and it dies, it will be upsetting, and I will be shaken, and “what a shame” and all that. Then I’ll get another dog, and life will go on.

If my daughter were to die, you would be RIPPING OUT PART OF MY SOUL.

So newsflash, people: “Monkids” are NOT KIDS; neither is Fluffy or Spot. Calling them “my kids” is not charming or amusing; it’s creepy and weird.

Martha, My Dear

Can we get a little dishy? Is that, y’know, okay with you? You’re not gonna get all self-righteous and backboney on me, right?

Cause now that Orlando has had a few days to mourn the departure of Wendy Chioji, I think it’s time to address the future, and it is this:


Rat stench a persistent problem at Orlando airport, top customs official says —

I’m having a hard time getting my head around the Orlando International Airport rat thing.

This is going to make me sound like some random crank sitting on his front porch with a shotgun yelling at kids to stay away from his goldarned unmowed lawn, but seriously, dudes and dudettes: How freaking hard is it to keep a major public area used by millions of people on a regular basis free of RATS?!

Isn’t that, like, a basic, fundamental necessity? Table steaks? The place can be kinda dirty, or unorganized, and you may wait in line for two hours to get on a flight, but at least there aren’t RATS rotting in the ductwork. Right?!

I really just don’t get it. It’s like finding out you bought a car and they forgot to put tires on it. How does this happen?!

Orlando Sentinel: Softball, or the softest ball?

Our air conditioning is out over in College Park, so we spent the night with family in Longwood. Our morning conversation today centered around the newsiness–or lack thereof–in the Orlando Sentinel these days.

My mother-in-law’s chief argument in favor of the Sentinel as feature-heavy, news-lite fluff publication was this article:

Glamour and glitter are elevated to an art in philanthropist Harriett Lake’s fashion collection —

Now, Harriett Lake sure seems like a nice old lady. But how does she get the front page of the Local & State section when there are at least two developing stories (the Democratic primary controversy, the upcoming tax changes) that would seem to merit front-page space more than an elderly woman and her flamboyant hats?

I’ve noticed the same trend–feature stories earning spots on front pages throughout the paper, while what you might call “real” news is buried in the ghetto of page three, five, seven, nine, etc. And it’s not even so much that the feature stories are BAD, just that in putting them on Page One of the main section or Local & State, you send a subliminal message: There are important things happening in our region, and we would rather tell you about flamboyant hats.

What say you, oh Metblog Orlando readership? Is the Sentinel well on its way to USA Today status, or is there life in the old girl yet?

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