News You Can Use…No, SERIOUSLY.

Intrepid Orlando Sentinel blogger Jason Garcia has breaking news on a critical issue vital to our very survival: Toilet paper at Orlando International Airport.

Orlando International Airport needs more of one of its most essential items: Toilet paper. The airport is seeking vendors who can sell it “large diameter bath tissue.” OIA wants to buy one-ply tissue, which must be provided on an “as-needed” basis.

First, let us all pray someone fills this void, and fills it NOW. It’s horrifying enough using airport bathrooms; imagine it without toilet paper, and it’s scarier than Cloverfield.

Next, I support OIA’s investment in “large diameter” bath tissue. Large diameter is probably always preferable to small, but ESPECIALLY when we’re talking toilet paper.

Then there’s this “as-needed” bit…YOU ALWAYS NEED TOILET PAPER. Always. Don’t be trying to save a couple bucks by running your supplies down to the bare bones over there. The wiping of the ass is not a privilege; it’s a RIGHT.

Finally, what’s this “one-ply” business? Are you serious?! I’m starting the protest outside terminal A after work:

“TWO-PLY OR NO FLY! TWO-PLY OR NO FLY!”

See you there.

4 Comments so far

  1. Rachel (unregistered) on January 24th, 2008 @ 10:42 am

    “YOU ALWAYS NEED TOILET PAPER. Always.”

    Hahaha. Funny. :)


  2. Terry Howard (unregistered) on January 24th, 2008 @ 12:02 pm

    Classic Post! I have to feel for Mr. Garcia who has apparently been assigned to the “brown beat”!


  3. Matt (unregistered) on January 24th, 2008 @ 12:12 pm

    It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it…


  4. Michelle S. (unregistered) on January 25th, 2008 @ 6:43 pm

    I suspect Sheryl “you only need one sheet of toilet paper” Crow is secretly behind this.

    Hey, while we’re at it, can somebody there do something about the toilets flushing before I’m done? I really don’t need any bidet action while I’m doing my business…



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